Monday, May 19, 2014

Exclusive: Transcript of Dany Heatley's Exit Interview

Photo: Getty Images
The Team of 18,001 was able to get this exclusive transcript of Dany Heatley's exit interview with Wild head coach Mike Yeo.

(Warning: This contains very strong language)

Mike Yeo: Hey Heater, how are ya?
Dany Heatley: Yeah, fuck. Whatever. Lets get this going.

MY: What was your proudest moment of the season
DH: (sniffs loudly) Patty Kane and I had a drinking contest during warmups of Game 3. I fucking drained a bottle of Smirnoff and that bitch could only get a quarter of the way done with his before passing out on the bench. (laughs)

MY: What aspect of your game would you say improved the most this year?
DH: (sniffs loudly) Improve?! I'm the best there is.

MY: What aspect of your game would you say declined the most this year?
DH: What's with these fucking dumb questions?! Im the fucking all-star. Best there is. 50 in 07.

(Heatley gets up, walks over to the garbage can in Yeo's office, and spits. He proceeds to sit back down)

MY: What are your plans for the offseason?
DH: (sniffs loudly) Drain a case of Natty Ice every day. Fire some clap bombs off my boat. Watch my highlight videos from when I scored 50 in 07. Fuck, can I go home yet?

MY: I have a few more questions.
DH: Well lets hurry this shit up then.

MY: If we were to bring you back next year, would you accept a similar role to what you were doing at the end of this year?
DH: (sniffs loudly) No, Im going to be on the fucking top line. Did Parise have 50 in 07?

MY: If you had to pick one teammate to hang out with for a day, who would it be and why?
DH: Bryzgalov. He may drink that Russian vodka shit, but his drinking skills are almost on my level.

MY: What did you think of the fans during the playoffs?
DH: (sniffs loudly) I'm trying to get that crazy beer chicks number from the Colorado series.

MY: Anything else you would like to add from your three seasons here?
DH: Yeah, I fucking tore up all the ass in the Twin Cities. Not sure if I want to come back next year. Gotta find a new city for some new ass.

MY: Thanks Heater, have a good summer.
DH: Yeah, fuck. I'm out.

(Heatley gets up and walks out)

(Note: This post was a parody. None of this actually happened nor should it be taken seriously..)

Follow Dany on Twitter @DanyAllStar15